


and dysphoria creeps into your skin

by xMidnightSun



Series: Jai Shepard [1]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Autistic Shepard, Body Dysphoria, Dissociation, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Mild Blood, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-01
Updated: 2015-05-01
Packaged: 2018-03-26 14:20:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3853897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xMidnightSun/pseuds/xMidnightSun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>stay close to the timbers of your heart</i>
  <br/>
  <i>so you know where to go</i>
  <br/>
  <i>when things fall apart</i>
  <br/>
  <i>if you stray too far</i>
  <br/>
  <i>you'll be left in the dark</i>
  <br/>
  <i>and once that dusk is trapped inside your bones</i>
  <br/>
  <i>and the dysphoria creeps into your skin</i>
  <br/>
  <i>and your eyes see nothing but gray</i>
  <br/>
  <i>there's nothing you can do</i>
  <br/>
  <i>except watch every bit of happiness</i>
  <br/>
  <i>fade away</i>
</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>~~~</p>
</div>A lot of modifications had to be made while bringing Shepard back from the dead. Jai takes issue with a few of them.
            </blockquote>





	and dysphoria creeps into your skin

**Author's Note:**

> Jai Shepard
> 
>   
> 
> 
> nonbinary | they/them | Infiltrator (former)/Sentinel (post-resurrection)

“ _You've been gone for almost two years, Commander. Welcome back.”_

It had taken some time for the news to sink in.

The second they'd awakened on Lazarus Station, dazed and aching and confused, they'd all but had a gun pushed into their hands and found themself immediately thrust into combat with hardly enough time to think, let alone realize what had happened. Then they'd been pushed onto a shuttle, their questions disregarded entirely by whom they presumed to be the soldier Jacob's superior officer, and briefly interrogated before the shuttle settled into an uncomfortable, unbreakable silence.

Then, just as they had resolved to ask, they'd arrived and they'd immediately been led into a vid-conference with, of all people, the director of Cerberus. The name alone raised every alarm in their head and they found themself barely holding back their rage as they faced the man personally to blame for so many atrocities, spitting venom back in his face as he dared, he _dared_ to presume they would side with him, as he _dared_ to claim to represent humanity and all her best interests.

They left the conference in a frothing fury, snapping unnecessarily at both Miranda and Jacob as they struggled and failed to pry answers out of either.

And then they arrived on Freedom's Progress and found Tali, and the Cerberus operatives, as well as Tali's compatriots, had the _audacity_ to suggest that they were willingly working with Cerberus.

It took a lot of self-control to tamp down the unfamiliar biotic aura bubbling up from within their core. Tali's audible smile was worth it.

The fight was relaxing, in a twisted sort of way. It took their mind off of everything that had happened as they twirled about, flinging balls of biotic energy to and fro like they'd been doing it all their life. The mechs never stood a chance. If only they'd been quick enough to help Prazza and the other quarians. Tali didn't seem too broken up about it, at least.

And then they'd found Veetor and their heart _broke_. It was a welcome relief to send him back home with Tali, and they couldn't help but feel a flicker of satisfaction at the irritated twitch in Miranda's brow on the shuttle ride back.

The rage flared back up as soon as Jai stepped into range of the QEC, the hologram building itself from the ground up as they jutted their hip out and folded their arms. The Illusive Man (Jai vowed henceforth to refer to him solely by TIMmy, if only to laugh at Miranda's offended glares each time it slipped out) continued to pretend Jai was on his side, and Jai was perfectly content to continue making veiled threats and subtle insults as long as they were able. TIMmy didn't seem to notice. Or maybe he was just really good at pretending not to be annoyed.

The new Normandy was a nice touch. And it was nice to have Joker back, even if he was technically Cerberus. In the back of their mind, Jai started making bets on how long it would take them to turn him back to the good side.

The new AI, on the other hand, was a little less nice. EDI, it called itself. It seemed nice enough, but after Luna and the siphoning AI, they couldn't help but put a little distance between themself and the AI terminals. Nothing against EDI personally, really, just bad experiences. To its credit, EDI seemed to understand and was willing enough to give them some space. Brownie point.

Kelly, the new (way too chipper, if you asked Jai) yeoman, seemed nice enough as well, but something about her eagerness to make friends with them was a little off-putting. She seemed disappointed when they politely asked her to tone down the cheerfulness, then promptly suggested Jai try the mess hall's coffee to boost their mood, which they also declined, if only because they knew better than to trust military coffee, Cerberus or no.

And then EDI had informed them, as they stepped into the lift, that the top deck was their quarters. Jai, curious as ever, naturally pressed the topmost button and waited patiently.

Thankfully, the new Normandy had reasonable elevator times, so it only took maybe a minute, maybe slightly less, to ascend to their new quarters.

When the second door swished open, their first reaction was to immediately blurt out, “This is ridiculous.”

And it was. First and foremost, on the left was an enormous empty fishtank spanning a good half the wall, maybe a bit more. Immediately in front of them was a small stairway and an improperly-large bed that looked just as uncomfortable as any other military bunk, except as wide as two of them pushed together. To the right was what looked to be a desk and- was that a display case? For model ships?

Mental checklist made: get model ships.

Jai crossed over to the desk, lightly running their fingertips over the sleek desktop, along the clear reinforced glass that made up the display case. A datapad filled with what looked to be dossiers sat next to a new-looking terminal and holo-keyboard, and beside that stood a line of small books. Picking one at random revealed an ages-old paper-bound copy of _The Principles of Quantum Mechanics, 2_ _nd_ _Edition_ , and Jai quietly returned it to its place without bothering to open it for fear of giving themself a headache from the pure concentrated nerdery.

Then they turned and glimpsed the bathroom, blinked several times, and stepped inside.

A quick twist of the knob in the shower and Jai jolted back in surprise, blinking incredulously at the steaming stream of water. Hot water? On a military frigate? The hell was Cerberus doing?

Though that was quickly forgotten when they turned their head and caught a glimpse of themself in the mirror. Before they knew it, they'd drifted over to stare open-mouthed into their reflection.

Their eyes were the wrong color.

No, it was more than- their _hair_ , their _skin_ was wrong. Everything was- everything-

Deep, glowing orange scars climbed one cheek and criss-crossed their other temple and spidered down their throat, pulsing gently as they brushed their fingers over them. Glancing down, they saw the same sprawling down their arms, pulled their shirt up and the same tendrils wrapped around their torso and abdomen and-

Their hair was the wrong shade, the wrong red, it was too bright, too _bright_ -

Whose eyes were these? Their eyes were deep, warm green, not the color of seafoam, not light and airy, not this-

No freckles. Or, fewer. No more forests of orange and brown across their nose, down their cheeks, speckling their lips and chin and shoulders and arms and legs and-

Breasts. Their breasts were larger. Too large. A cup size- _two_ ? Pushed the fabric of their shirt out, no amount of shoulder-hunching would hide this, not _this_ -

Their shirt fell to the floor, followed shortly by their pants and undergarments, until Jai stood naked before the mirror. Their chest rose and fell, rose and fell, rose and fell, rose and-

Eyes darted around, never lingering too long, calculating, _remembering_ . Waist: too thin. Hips: wide, too wide, _can't hide those_ . Thighs: larger, curvier. Shoulders: thinner. Only slightly, but enough. Jawline smoother, chin thinner and sharper, nose thinner, smaller, slight overbite corrected (teeth all straight and white, and Jai couldn't feel that cracked molar in the back, on the upper left, anymore), thin eyebrows, _their hair was long and in a bun, when did it do_ _when did when di- when-_

They didn't stop to think. Grabbed a pair of scissors, tore the long, flowing locks from their bun- _wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong!-_ and haphazardly lopped it off at the chin. Then the ear. It still looked wrong.

Their breath was coming too quickly now, their skin crawling and vision blurring as they collapsed to their knees, resting their forehead on the basin of the sink, dug their fingernails into their palms and _squeezed._ Their other hand drummed restlessly on the metal basin, eventually tapping harder and harder until they were almost slamming their hand into the side of the thing. They could hear noise somewhere nearby, but none of it made sense. Didn't know where the scissors had gone. Didn't matter now. Their hand hurt. They squeezed tighter.

Something touched their shoulder and Jai _jolted_ , letting out a cry from deep in their core. A scream. The touch came back and they jolted again, flailing their aching hand at it, screaming when something grabbed them around the wrist and pushed them back until something cold touched their skin and-

Miranda. A brief flash of white suit and black-brown hair and wide eyes and-

She gently, firmly held on as Jai thrashed and cried and screamed to split the sky until the panic slowly faded and they collapsed into tears, pulling uselessly against Miranda's grip to hide their face. They hadn't realized they'd been crying the whole time. Not until now.

Miranda was patient, waited until they were coherent again before asking, gently, quietly, “What's wrong?”

And Jai fell apart.

She listened. She listened through the whole thing, through the stuttering and stammering and fits of sobbing between confused bouts of babbling incoherently about how _wrong_ it all was, how wrong _everything_ was.

And then she waited for them to stop sobbing, picked up the scissors from where they'd fallen, and quietly asked Jai if they wanted her to even out their hair. Jai mutely nodded.

Locks of iridescent red drifted through their field of vision as Miranda deftly trimmed the choppy mess Jai had left behind, turning the flowing waves of crimson into a rather lovely (not to mention much more comfortable) pixie cut. Halfway through, she began to speak.

“I'm sorry, Commander,” she began briskly, before pausing and forcing her tone to warm a little. “I thought you might appreciate a more womanly figure. I didn't...” She trailed off.

Jai drew their knees up under their chin, wrapping their arms around their legs with a sigh. It took a few tries to get the words out right. “I'm not a woman.”

The motion at the back of their head ceased for a moment. “You're not?”

The surprise in Miranda's voice was amusing enough for Jai to snort and shake their head slightly. “No. I'm nonbinary.”

“I... hate to admit it, but I'm not familiar with the term.”

“Nonbinary: a catch-all category for gender identities that are not exclusively masculine or feminine—identities which are thus outside of the gender binary and cisnormativity. Alternate names include: genderqueer. Individuals may identify as agender, bigender, genderfluid, third-gender, transgender, a cultural gender, and so on,” Jai automatically recited, all too used to having to explain. “Cisgender: individuals who have a match between the gender they were assigned at birth, their bodies, and their personal identity. A complement to transgender.” Their voice dropped back to a near-whisper and they repeated, “I'm nonbinary.”

Miranda was quiet for a moment. Then the motions at the back of Jai's head resumed, and threads of red began to fall again. “I understand. And I apologize.”

Jai shrugged again. Then, after a moment's pause, they hastily added, “You didn't know.”

They fell silent again, until Miranda finished trimming the last of their hair and stood, offering them a hand. She was kind enough to avert her eyes from their still-nude body, handing them their clothing instead.

As Jai tugged their shirt over their head and adjusted their bra one last time, grimacing at the uncomfortable bulge their breasts made at their front, Miranda finally looked back at them and quietly said, “If it would help, once we recover the salarian doctor, I could schedule modifications to your body. To make you more comfortable, of course.” When Jai gave her an incredulous look, the corners of her mouth twitched upward just the slightest bit. “Your comfort is nearly as important as your safety, Commander. If your discomfort in your own skin inhibits your ability to fight, it could get you killed. I won't risk that. Not after how much time and money I threw into bringing you back.” She paused, then shrugged and added, “Besides, as head of the Lazarus Project and the person most familiar with your new body, I think this is well within my power to offer.”

They were speechless for several minutes, staring at Miranda with wide eyes, studying her as if suspecting a trick. Then they slowly nodded, working their mouth for a moment before managing to choke out, “That'd be great. Thanks.”

Miranda only smiled, then breezed past them and exited the bathroom, and the cabin, without another word. Jai stared after her, silent. Then they glanced up. “EDI, did you call her?”

From around the corner came the distinctive sound of EDI's holographic terminal activating, and its synthesized voice, rather than sounding distant, came from a speaker embedded in the ceiling of the bathroom. “Yes. I deemed it necessary for your health, mental and physical.” A pause. “I apologize for the violation of your privacy, but-”

“No, no.” Jai waved a hand even though they doubted EDI could see it. “It's okay. You did the right thing.” They paused a moment, fighting with the words, then managed to choke out, “Thank you.” It felt wrong to thank an AI, especially after all their previous experiences with AIs and VIs, but it felt... appropriate, considering the circumstances. “For helping.”

EDI was quiet for a long moment. When it spoke again, its voice had warmed slightly. Simulated emotion. Of course Cerberus would let it simulate emotions. “Of course, Commander. However, your blood pressure and neural activity is still elevated. Also, in your panic, you caused several mild lacerations to your hand. While the risk for infection is low, I suggest visiting the medbay on Deck 3.”

“Right, uh, okay.” Jai ran a hand through their now-much more comfortable hair, leaving it standing on end for a moment before patting it back down. Wait, was that their bad hand? Oops. Oh well, too late now. “Will do. Um.” They looked down, stared for a moment at the mess of red littering the floor, then glanced back up with a sheepish smile. “I'll do that in a minute. I have a mess to clean up.”

**Author's Note:**

> [summary poem](http://hellopoetry.com/poem/356344/dysphoria/)


End file.
